Monday, December 19, 2011

The Joy and the Pain of It



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I am a mess.


We are not doing Christmas “up” this year in any big way, but there are still cookies to bake, and a tree to decorate.  I have a few presents to wrap.  And our schools are open this week, so there is substituting.  To add some distraction to Christmas itself, we’ve invited neighbors over for Christmas Eve afternoon, so I have a small get-together to plan.  And then on Christmas Day itself I am flying to my sister’s, so there is a bag to pack.


All of this is fun and do-able.  Everybody figures out how to make it work.


But I also messed up my alarm clock, so I overslept today.  And I shattered a glass while I was decorating.  And my head hurts.  And I am actually in a downright grumpy mood.


Which surprises me.


No doubt the work of grieving never ends, but it is easy to underestimate the toll it takes.   Unpacking ornaments that celebrate Molly’s childhood, or visiting with the  college students of neighbors who are home for break, or listening to some of the holiday songs that are on my iPod only because Molly liked them are on some level nurturing activities.  Warm holiday moments.  But they are also reminders of how much is gone from my life.  


Forever.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Oprah’s Favorite Things

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I’ve learned a lot from Oprah Winfrey.  I value her rock-solid belief in a bountiful universe.  I am inspired by her challenge to Live Your Best Life – and I sense that there is a divine hand in her life story.  She is the right person for a lot of people at the right time, and God is in all of that somewhere.

She is also a great gift-giver.

So this year, I entered her Favorite Things Sweepstakes Giveaway.  Every day for 12 days (think “12 Days of Christmas”) I went online and typed my entry for the chance to win over 70 gifts personally selected by Oprah and others in her network. 
 
With the best of intentions I’ve perused the gifts for weeks, sure that my sister would enjoy Cat Cora’s Ugg Slippers and my neighbor (who has four kids and no income) would enjoy the indulgence of the Egg-Shaped soaps.  Another neighbor, who is facing his first Christmas without his wife of 40 years, was going to benefit from some of the food items, and I was going to keep the bags.

I admit that I was going to keep the bags.

Is that the problem?   Is that why I didn’t win?  I was really looking forward to being the sensational giver that one simply cannot be when one is substitute teaching to supplement unemployment insurance.  I was looking forward to being able to make the grand gesture.  But I also wanted a little fun for myself.

I didn’t win.  That‘s the up and down of it, and I am oddly disappointed.  I always knew the odds were nil – surely hundreds of thousands entered.  And I am going to throw the open house anyway – it will simply be more of a potluck than an extravaganza.  No gift table required.

I don’t really believe in coincidence.  I am sure that the twelve winners are exactly who the twelve winners should have been.  I just wish that one of them could have been me.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Art

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I am NOT an artist.  Far from it. 

But yesterday, somewhere between finishing up a school paper, cleaning up a dinner party and answering phones for public television, I spent some time with my art supplies. 

It was a curious hour and a half or so.  I started without inspiration – beyond the fact that I wanted to do something holiday related.  Picture me with an air of frustraton paging through holiday cookbooks and children’s books in a struggle to find something I might be able to work with.  I settled on Christmas stockings. 

Great.

And then, as I spent more time with the stockings, I realized I wanted to capture loss – and the unshakeable belief I have that death does not get the last word.  And in the process, for the first time, I understood art as meditation. 

Surprising.  Not planned.

A gift.