Sadness, Depression and Loss

I am in a foot race with depression this week – and most of the time,  depression is winning.

Part of it is this Easter holiday.  It is full of wonderful stories of rebirth and everlasting life and all of that, but I will be spending it alone.  No Molly because she is dead.  No Frances because she is working.  Yes, I will attend a church service – but I will be alone in the crowd there as well.  Family not available; friends otherwise engaged.  Alone.

Part of it is spring break.  Without the daily routine of substitute teaching, DESPITE the fact that I have plenty to do, alien voices emerge: the voices that suggest that I was a terrible mother to Molly; the voices that question whether any of my current endeavors are worthwhile; the voices testifying that no body likes me.

And part of it is the weather which is bleak and has been bleak seemingly forever.

I took pains to avoid this – scheduling lunches with friends, attending school lectures, generally keeping myself busy during this break.  But in the pause, in the  cracks of time that I could not fill and the slivers of energy that were not spoken for, the sadness and the loss rage behind me – and then catch up to me -  with ferocious force. 

Sadly, I think this is normal – perhaps even necessary for now.

Next weekend, the house will be full of guests and frivolity and fun to watch William and Kate’s wedding.  I will look forward to that.