A Brief Look at Reality

Let's see.

My undergraduate degree is in business, so I know

a litle bit about income and expense.

I was willing to substitute teach yesterday and today, but I didn't get jobs. While I have filled the time with my lengthy to-do list and I am happy to have had the time off, I also have to admit the fact that substitute teaching is, almost by definition, not going to be a dependable source of income.

And I just found out that my consulting gig is going to pay HALF of what I had hoped that it would pay. Hmmm. I am NOT loving the work, but I don't think that I should just walk away from it out of some misplaced pride either. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush; or something like that.

So, the income side of the ledger is increasingly uncertain, while the expense side of the ledger is not. In theory, we should be saving money. That is not quite how it is playing out.

Frances' birthday celebrations are costing between $3,000 and $4,000 (closer to $4,000). We are having a ball. A lot of fun. But turning 50 is not cheap!

And I just put down a $500 deposit on a school trip to France that I am taking this summer. I am looking forward to it, and couldn't take the trip if I had a full time job. So, it is a GIFT to be able to take this trip. But, again, it is has already cost money and is going to cost quite a bit more.

We have enjoyed the last couple of months; I had stayed at my job too long and it feels really good to be free of the constraints that full time professional responsibilty brings.

Since quitting my job, I have indulged in the dream that I will never again have to deal with an HR department and a full time job. Today, that seems like a fantasy. Reality is going to crash in on us very soon and we need to find some discipline in the financial aspects of our new life!

A Day of Rest

After a tough trip home from California and 5 days of Frances' 50th Birthday Party planning/party enjoying/party aftermath it is time to look forward to her second party that is this Saturday.

This event is in our home town and folks are flying in for it, every bed is taken; we are renting hotel rooms and borrowing air mattresses. Expectations may not be sky high - but people are really looking forward to getting together.

And I took today off. By the time I got home yesterday there was no way that I could even begin to think about putting together a second event - an event that will be very different from the first one - without a day of rest. Maybe I am a wimp. Most likely I am a wimp. I am a wimp.

Our schools were all closed today due to ice, so I didn't even feel guilty sleeping in until 11 AM, dawdling over Starbucks (one can ALWAYS get to Starbucks) or reading a book all day. Substitute teaching will, I am sure, be available when all of this is over.

This weekend's event will come togther. We'll have a great time. As long as I take a day off first!

PS.... HOW IN THE HECK would I have "produced" both of these parties if I had a "real job"? I probably wouldn't have. And you know what, putting all of this together is way more important than anything I ever did on my full time job. Happy Birthday Frances and let's celebrate all of the people in our lives!

Frances Turns 50

Frances is celebrating her 50th birthday this month with a bicoastal celebration over two weekends. I flew to California yesterday to finalize details for the west coast event. We'll do the east coast party next weekend.

The flight was lovely - I had my own row, my own region, heck my own air to breathe. Doesn't happen much in this day and age! This is going to be a great party and I am excited about it, but Frances and I both miss Molly. Molly should be part of these celebrations; Molly and I should be collaborating on the details; I should not have made the trip out here by myself.

I am not touchy feely; my feet are planted even too firmly on the ground; but the fact is that as much as I missed Molly yesterday, her presence was unmistakeable. I saw a vibrant rainbow from the plane yesterday, hovering over the plane's wing. Molly drew rainbows in just about every elementary school art project - I think she figured out how to draw them and went with the tried and true - and since her death I have often felt her presence in the odd appearance of a rainbow. Sounds too simple, I know, but I have seldom been more sure about anything.

And then Frances' mom and I went to see a movie yesterday afternoon - I was lonely, sad, missing Molly- and we ended up at Country Strong - a movie that celebrates moving on after unspeakable grief. I had no clue what the movie was about; I really wasn't even planning on going to a movie. As we watched the movie, which is very challenging for one who has lost someone to suicide, I couldn't help but think that Molly wanted us to know that she gets it. We have to move on. She knows.

I am not relying on a creed to get me through my life without Molly. I am letting my experiences lead me. And my experiences teach me, over and over again, that the life that exists beyond this life is not some distant or even separate experience. It breaks into this life all the time. The veil that separates us all is thin and ripped in many places.

I am here in California celebrating a 50th birthday. Looking at a calendar, Frances does not have as many good years ahead of her as she has behind her. Looking at life through the lens of some sort of eternity, Frances is just getting started and her best life is - most definitely - ahead of her.

Putting Christmas Away

I understand people who leave their Christmas decorations up until Valentine's Day. Or longer.

Putting Christmas decorations up is full of excitement and nostalgia and anticipation. Each decoration, unwrapped and carefully placed, seems to hold both memory and hope as we look back over our favorite holidays and look forward to adding another Christmas to our life story.

On the other hand, taking the decorations down can't help but bring to mind, since no holiday ever really meets our full and lofty expectations, a sense of loss at what is over and will never be again. The memories held by each item, wrapped and put away for the year, are exceedingly raw without excitement and anticipation as a buffer.

Putting the Christmas decorations away is, quite literally, putting hopes, memories and dreams in a box. It's a painful thing to do. But it is also a good reminder that nostalgia for the past, hopes for what can never be and dreams that rely on Christmas magic to make them come true probably should be left in boxes for most of the year.

And to be honest, once the work of taking Christmas down is over, there is a relief. The house feels comfortable; the pressure to create a perfect moment is over; a new year holds both promise and challenge.

Who knows what the new year will bring? Hard work? Yes. Losses? For sure. Will we be more than ready to bring out that box of memories and nostalgia next December? Absolutely. Will that box do us much good right now? Probably not.

Updates

Okay...



For my faithful followers who really want to know, I am providing these updates.....

• Face Cream is probably a good idea. My face does look and feel healthier this week.
• Dad is really trying to be part of life after his round with West Nile Virus, but he will never be the same. That mosquito took a lot out of him.
• I am really, really good at Wii Tennis.
• Substitute Teaching is fun and challenging.
• We did not win the lottery.

Frances turns 50 next week - it is nothing short of a National Holiday with parties on both coasts. Updates to come.

Looking for a snow delay....

As a substitute teacher, I'll be paid for tomorrow if there is a snow delay. If the schools close, I am out of luck. So bring on just enough snow to snarl things up for a two hour delay.

The way I figure it, a delay would be PERFECT. Enjoy a leisurely breakfast, maybe even meditate or go to the gym before school. Collect a full day's pay. I could get in to that.

Suprisingly, a delay is enough of a disruption for me tomorrow, because it is football jersey day at the school I am subbing in this week and I am sort of excited about it, even though I don't own a jersey. Maybe I just sort of like the idea of uniforms!

So here I am tonight, joining in with all of the students and staff who are willing the snow out of the sky and all of the sports fans who want Baltimore to win a football game. What the heck. If you can't beat 'em join 'em..... It's nice to have a group to join in with.

Dropping By....

I am honored whenever anyone drops by the house or stops me in the grocery store. Some of my fondest memories are of folks just knocking on the door and inviting themselves back in to my life.

Since Molly's death, however, having folks drop by the house or stop me in the produce aisle has become realy, really complicated. Do they know that Molly died? Are they going to ask how Molly is doing, since after all she should be in college by now? How am I going to handle questions about Molly so that the "guest" understands that I value their freindship even if I am trembling and awkward and stumbling over my words? Being dropped in on is a gift... but it is also terrifying.

And don't get me wrong, it is not a daily occurrence, but it is an increasing one thanks to all of our new technology.

Of course, Facebook offers more options that an in-person encounter Sort of. I haven't really figured out the Facebook etiquette. For example, there are some "friends" whom I shared Molly's death with when they "freinded" me. There are others who ended up on my friend list whom I didn't specifically tell. I am not sure which is the better option; there is pain no matter what as the ones I didn't tell ask, or the one's I did tell had to go through opening their Facebook page looking for the joke of the day and finding an update from me.

For me, the bottom line is this: we exisit to support each other. I will let you into my life, but keep in mind that my life is complicated. And I will try to remember that your life is very likely complicated too.