Wait a Minute.....

The phone rang again at 6:15 AM for substitute teaching - elementary art classes this time. I went, and it was fun, and I learned a few things that will be helpful both for teaching and for the art class that I am taking this semester.

Now don't get me wrong. I am delighted to be a substitute teacher. But, I figured that if I said that I was available to work Monday - Friday, I might get called for 2 or 3 days a week. I never imagined that I would be called every day that school is open!

If I am not careful here, I am going to waste the gift of time off by working. And what that amounts to, for me, is avoiding the hard work of bringing my body in tune with my soul, being too busy to really live life from my heart as opposed to my head, and deliberately steering clear of thinking about my daughter's death.

So I've put myself on a do not call list for subbing tomorrow. I want to control my life and not have an automated call system control me. I'll work on Friday - something tells me they will need more subs on Friday than on Thursday anyway.

In a spirit of full disclosure, I am interviewing with Macy's tomorrow. It's just for a holiday job. Just for six weeks.

Oh, and old my job got in contact with me today. They need me to do some editing. Which is great.

So, I am trying to find a new balance between the quiet that I yearn for and the activity that I know I need. And I haven't quite found it yet.

I'll keep you posted.

A Day in 2nd Grade

To make a few things crystal clear: my feet hurt, my back hurts and substitute teaching is hard work. Period.

I got called this morning at dawn and found myself two hours later in front of a classoroom of eager second graders. This was the first day I was even eligible to be called, so I wasn't really expecting a call so soon. I enjoyed the day; it was tough, but it was satisfying and I felt like I made a difference in a way that I never felt from the distant seat of mid/upper nonprofit management. I have been hungry to get my hands dirty and really do something for a long time.

Within the first ten minutes I was fielding everything from " I have a tummy ache" to "Can I get a drink of water?" to "Can I share my new toy?" to "Here are the school supplies I was supposed to turn in...." Yikes! The class and I sort of made it up as we went along and I was asked to come back, so it can't have been all bad.

The confidence booster for me is that this whole thing is BRAND NEW. I have never been in front of a classroom before, and it is freeing to step out of my familiar world and try something radically new and different.

I look forward to getting better at teaching, but I will be just fine if they don't call me tomorrow - as long as they call me the next day!

I'll keep you posted.

Must See TV

I am going to put this plug in today so that you can set your DVR: Marie Osmond on Oprah. Thursday, November 11th. Must see TV. Marie and Oprah will be discussing teen suicide and the death of Marie's son, Michael.

Marie lost her son almost a year to the day that Molly died. We had just made it through the one year anniversary of Molly's death - a huge day of pain made liveable with the help of family and good friends - and ba-boom, Michael's death was all over the news. I know it is irrational, but as a long-time Osmond fan, I felt a bit of Marie's loss. I had been there.

In a display of further irrationality, I have been imagining Marie's interview with Oprah, and what I might say to the questions that are sure to come up. Do you feel like the suicide was your fault? Could you have done anything to prevent it?

I was not a perfect parent, but we are so lucky to have some of Molly's writings and comments from her friends. After Molly's death, several of her friends wrote to let us know how much Molly loved us and how freely she expressed that love. Her diary gives us more confirmation. Molly really does love us, and I am so grateful to be sure of that because she kept so many secrets.... she kept so much to herself... that sometimes I wonder if our lives together held any authenticity. I am grounded in the fact that the love that we feel for each other is very, very real. No, I don't feel like her suicide was my fault.

The notion of what might have been done to prevent Molly's suicide is more difficult for me. She had been seeing a psychiatrist for several years; the last person she spoke with before her death was her therapist. She had help. She was surrounded with adults who loved her and could help her - and she knew it. But she decided to lie to everybody about what she was feeling and experiencing. Her final text - to her therapist - apologized for so many lies.

Molly's death was her choice. And I believe it was inevitable. She had been thinking about suicide for years - at least since she was 13 years old. Her final attempt was not her first. Perhaps if we had more agressively played with her medications, we may have postponed her death. Try a little bit more of this and a little bit less of that. But I don't really believe that we could have prevented her suicide.

The hardest thing that I imagine Marie dealing with on Oprah is coming to terms with her son's death, and then being an advocate for not choosing suicide. I don't believe that suicide is always an irrational choice. There is a piece of me that "gets" why Molly made the choice that she did and if I am angry with her at all, it is not about the suicide, but rather because she did not feel comfortable - for whatever reason - to tell her truth to ANYBODY.

And therein lies the challenge. If it was me on Oprah, I would be advocating for a world where there is respect for a wide range of human difference. I would be asking people to refrain from bullying or ridiculing. And I would be asking that people take the time to really listen to each other. I don't believe that bullying or poor listening cause suicide, but I do believe that they contribute to a world where people are afraid to speak their own truth. And not living one's own truth does contribute to suicide if only becuase our mental heath care protocols all require honest participation from the patient.

So, I am setting my DVR for Thursday... let's see what Marie has to say.

Friends, Pain and Sabbath

After a weekend with friends - all of whom are facing a crisis of one sort or another - it felt good to experience Sabbath.

On Friday and Saturday we powered up the crock pot, pulled out the flannel sheets for the guest beds, poured some wine and some Chai Tea and settled in for a long fall weekend. And it was wonderful, except that within that LL Bean picture, our friends were crying - or taking up smoking again - or screaming at our walls becuase there was no one else to scream at.

Almost immediately after Molly's death, I sensed myself becoming increasingly open to the pain of others. Part of this had to do with the ever-so-public nature of teenage suicide. There was no way to avoid people - and I didn't really want to. So there I was, in the darkest days of my life, in a confusion of shock and sleeping pills, with a spotlight of sorts focused right on my heart. And having seen my heart, I sensed folks wanting to share their hearts with me.

Molly's death also humbled me in a way that has made me more available to others. I am really proud of Molly. She is amazing. And I thoroughly enjoyed her successes in horseback riding and acting and music and school and just about anything that she tried. She lived surrounded by love and she never questioned that love. And yet she died by suicide. The humility involved in living her death has given me a new compassion for the pain of others. My friendships have definitely deepened over the last year and a half.

So to get back to this weekend... friends are over... and they are all hurting... and then they leave. Sunday. I had to do two things. First - spend some time at the cathedral; and second - get on the treadmill. The cathedral is the place that - at least for now - calms my soul. The treadmill strengthens my body to hold the pain of others, to prepare for the discipline of listening, and to fight the uncertainties of middle age!

I am also working on my art homework, which is due tomorrow and is very hard and while I like it very much, drawing is one of the hardest classes I have ever taken.

I will keep you posted.

Substitute Teaching

Another crazy plan that I have for this period of "unemployment" is to substitute teach. The thought here, if there is one, is that maybe I would like to be a teacher and that this is a way to see if I like it. A teaching license is not required to sub, and it goes without saying that I have never taken even one education class.

So orientation was yeterday. Our local school district hires literally thousands of substitute teachers - which makes me wonder how many quit after their first assignment. The training was amazingly - amazingly - void of practical advice. The point WAS made that we should be walking around the classroom most of the time, with the thought that "you can't hit a moving target." I found that advice so encouraging.

It was also noted that radiating confidence was necessary as the students will move easily from assessing their substitue as a "sucker" to seeing him or her as a "target." Again. So very helpful.

I left with all of the respect in the world for teaching professionals and a bit terrified of what my first day might feel like.

Theoretically, I could start next week.

I'll keep you posted.

Looking for Temporary Jobs....

No worries. I am not already scurrying about trying to find full time employment. But. I think it might be fun to get a part-time holiday job in a department store.

After Molly's death, Christmas is surely a challenge, and I don't want to mope through the entire season. So... the thought is... I'll try something new and festive and different. And I'll make a few bucks while I am at it.

So... not having applied for jobs with a big company EVER, I presented myself (looking farily professional, I might add) at the mall to fill out applications. WRONG. Oh no, no, no, no. One can only apply online. Which I did. And I am exhaused.

After finding the on-line site, opening an account, filling out the personal information, answering all of the government-required questions, writing and uploading a cover letter, and taking a personality inventory, I had invested a good two hours. At least. For one six week job that pays just over minimum wage if I am lucky. And then I went on to another site to do it all over again for another store, but there site was down.

REALLY? Is this what we have come to? Makes me feel a bit bah humbug about the whole idea, but I would still really like the job. I'll keep you posted.

Catching Up

Brief recap: I am now officially done with work; I have been to visit my Dad and he is doing really well all things considered; I have received some nice parting gifts from my employer. And now I face the reality of this choice. Okay. What now.

Oddly enough my first concern was WARDROBE. I am not a clothes person - heck I shopped almost exclusively out of the Salvation Army for a full year not that long ago. And yet. I don't want to wear anything that I don't feel really good in. I don't want to wear anything that I might have worn to the office. And I also don't want to just slob around all day either. I'd sort of like to look like the model at the top of this post... but I don't.

In search for that middle ground of non-grungy comfort that is age appropriate and figure forginving, I hit a sale at J Jill and added a few new pieces to my casual/comfortable collection. This was in anticipation of being paid out for my unused vacation pay, but OF COURSE, the folks at the job "missed" adding that on to my check. I have reminded them. Very, very nicely.

And I went to the gym today. Years ago, I went regularly, but with two to three hours of commuting (on a good day!) I had basically given that up. The guy at the front desk remembered me though - and commented on how long it had been since I had been there. It was nice to be remembered... even if it was for being a lazy load.