Stepping Out..

Although understanding that I am a suicide survivor is essential to understanding who I am, it is not something that I share easily.

I have not reached out in activism.  I have not gone to support groups.  Heck, I write this blog with a nod toward my own privacy.

So it is difficult to consider accepting an invitation to attend an event about mental illness and teen suicide.  Although the speakers will be parents who lost a teenager to suicide, and I will likely relate to everything they have to say, I hesitate.  Who else will be there? Will they know me? Will I feel exposed for having simply walked in to the room? 

Despite the tears that flow in even thinking about the possibility of exploring the grief of suicide in a public forum, I am drawn to the event.  I imagine myself anonymously sitting on some folding chair, not even interacting.  Wait a minute, though.  What if only ten people show up?  I would have to interact.  Can I risk it?

The idea that I would have anything in common with the topic of teen suicide is horrific.  I don’t even want to admit it to myself.  Somehow, showing up at this event would be a huge acknowledgement  that I am a parent who has lost a child to suicide.

Maybe it is time.