Back to School

When so many things don’t seem to work out, and so much of life seems to move well beyond Plan B or Plan C, I am beyond grateful when things DO actually work out and easily slip in to place. 

Today – the first day of school – I got called for a two week substituting job.  I actually can’t believe it.  I figured I would go another two weeks before I would get a call.  And I was okay with that.  I have books to read and meals to cook and workouts to do.  It’s not like I would have squandered the time.

But I am REALLY happy to be going back to work.

 

As I have looked forward to this fall, I have been trying to live out patience, figuring that if I do my best to be available, introduce myself to people and take care of myself then opportunities will come my way.  It has always sort of been that way with me, but to state the obvious, patience is much easier to live out if you don’t have to wait very long.

Getting this early assignment is also a little nod of affirmation to the fact that I am substitute teaching at all.  Maybe I am good at this.  Maybe this is a good path for me.

Maybe things will work out. 

High School

All of a sudden, I am subbing a lot at what would have been Molly's high school if she had gone to public high school.  After most of elementary and all of middle school in public school, she never really considered going to the public high school - she was definitely looking for a different experience - but now she walks those halls with me every time I am there.

I think of her as I walk the crowded hall ways.  Her mental illness included hyper sensitivity: sounds that I could barely hear would drive her crazy; crowds were almost impossible for her to navigate; she did not like to be touched and she needed sunglasses outside.   This was not a kid who enjoyed the mall.  By early high school, her hyper sensitivity became a very limiting factor in her life.  The halls at our local public school would have been very difficult for her.

I think of Molly when the classes are going well and I wonder if, in fact, she could have thrived there.  For the healthy child, the school is a good place to be.   This always lingering question is most poignant for me becuase Molly attended a local boarding school (relatively common on the east coast).  This was her idea, believe me.  Boarding school was not even part of my vocabulary untill she brought it up.   But the more we looked into it as a family, the more it made sense for her.   While of course we didn't consider her ill at the time, we knew Molly needed structure; she needed to be challenged - rather than invited - to participate in extra curricular activities; and we hoped the experience would lead to increased confidence and social ease.   She had great grades and glowing recommendations.  She got a scholarship.  She went.   It worked for awhile. 

And I think of Molly at the local high school when the classes are misbehaving - not becuase I think she would have misbehaved - but because if she didn't test into the upper level courses, her peer group at the school would have been very challenging.

In a weird way, I also think of my own high school experience as I work there.  Seniors have their last day next week, and obviously I had a last day of high school, but I can't even begin to remember it.  I am sure that it would be shocking for these kids to know that as important as the last day of school is going to feel to them, most of them won't remember it ten years later.

So Molly and a younger me are  hovering over my subbing jobs lately.  And it's good company.

Failing

Today I was subbing for a high school math class, and the teacher had posted his students' grades on the wall.  Of course I looked at them.   Half of his students are failing.  Literally failing.   F.

Students who were in danger of not graduating had to sign letters today notifying them of that fact.  Half of the class signed the papers.

We are in trouble here folks.

And I don't have the answers.   But I do know that for many, many reasons there are thousands and thousands of students who are not taking their educations seriously.  Maybe that has always been the case.  But in the past, the alternative to school was hard work: farm labor, hours in a factory, paper routes.  Today, the alternative to taking education seriously seems to be to sit in school for hours at a time in a perpetual daze. 

A daze is good - it doesn't generate too much attention, it doesn't get in trouble and it doesn't require too much energy.

So, I watch these kids who are not taking their lives seriously and I KNOW that there are so many kids in this world who for whatever reason - poverty, illness, war - are unable to go to school.   And some of those disadvantaged kids are doing everything that they can to educate and improve themselves.  They want to make something of their lives.   They envy the kids in school.

While at the same time, so many of the kids in upper middle class America, who have every opportunity, throw it all away every single day.

And the kids who are doing well in school?  Those kids are diminished by the thousands of their peers who just don't give a damn.  It takes a village, and if half the village can't communicate effectively or do simple math, everyone suffers.

We are in trouble because so many of our kids are choosing not to learn.  We are in bigger trouble because our culture will let them make that choice.  

Getting Some Groove On

 

I got out of bed today.

The phone rang early this morning with a sub job, and after a week of family stuff, anticipatory mourning,  travelling,  eating too much food and generally avoiding my routines, I accepted the job.

And it is amazing how inspirational that is.

I haven't felt like myself for the last couple of weeks - I think winter does that to lots of people.   And it would have been REALLY easy to cocoon in bed until about noon.  But I am glad that I didin't. 

Taking the job meant moving from bed to car in 20 minutes.  It's not a great way to start a day: the shower is rushed, the hair doesn't get blown, makeup is non-existent.  Yet, while I was running into the school in a futile attempt to be on time, the sun was peeking out bringing some much needed warmth,  I felt a sense of purpose, and  the lure of routine settled over me in such a way that I found myself very grateful to be working.

So today was a couple small steps back to myself and a few extra degrees outside.  Good things.   Very good things. 

Overwhelmed

I am studying Mayan culture this semester..  The culture is beautiful, although it is very different from what I know and how I think;  it is difficult to stretch one's brain to accomodate a new way of seeing the world.  I don't really understand the class readings, but I find myself congratulating the authors for their elegant prose.  Whatever they are saying.

I am subbing as much as I can.  The consulting gig is dying but it isn't dead yet so I have to attend to it everyday.  The consulting gig won't die before a major speaking gig in March that I am not in the least bit prepared for.

My blood pressure is too high.  I am trying to exercise everyday, and I am fairly on track.  Cooking is taking on a new priority and I am becoming very well aquainted with my crop pot.

I am attending to spirtual life with some intention. 

My art projects are strewn about with little accomplished.  Yarn?  Check.   Paints?  Check.  Charcoal, ink and kneaded eraser?   You betcha.  I have got it all.   I just haven't done much with it.

Lunch dates are set and happily anticipated.

Frances and I are travelling this weekend and hosting guests next weekend. 

And I wonder if maybe I am moving in too many directions.  The pace is fine, but perhaps I am too scattered.   It's as if I think there is a new skill or a new habit that is going to infuse my life with deep and abiding peace.   

In my brain I don't really think that peace is found in self made distractions.  But evidently my heart still needs some diversion. 

School

Today was another day subbing in middle school; the subject - English.

Now, I don't consider myself to be an expert on English grammar but I know enough to get by and for the most part English has come easily to me. I have a BA and I am working on a masters.

I could not have passed the little quiz my 7th graders were taking today. What is wrong with this picture? The quiz was on different types of verbs: linking verbs, active verbs and helping verbs.

There was a full page of single spaced text to help the students discern the difference between verb types and quite a few little "tips" that I don't ever remember learning. For example, it's not the verb if there is an "ing" on the end, or if the word is preceded by the word "to". Helping verbs are included as part of the verb in the simple predicate. Active verbs are not necessarily active: love and like and trust are active verbs even though they don't imply visible action.

By the end of the day, I was confused. I could pick out the right answers (for the most part) but I sure couldn't tell you why they were the right answers or what the terminology for the answers should be. I would not have gotten 100% on identifying a helping verb vs. a linking verb. And I am not sure it matters to anyone but the testing entity - whatever that is.

I remember this happening with my own daughter when she brought home math homework - no way it looked like anything I ever saw when I was in school.

I get that things change. Technolgy and history and science need to be continually updated and changed in our schools. But when it comes to English and Math, I am thinking that some things just don't change and maybe we don't need to be re-inventing them for each generation.

Exhaustion and Authenticity

I was really tired driving home from school tonight. I almost missed my exit, practically caused several accidents, and felt mysef getting too close to the cement lane dividers. In the past (yes, it has happened before) that type of drive home has been the result of emotional exhaustion.

Today, I can assure you, my bad drive was the result of physical exhaustion. After teaching 2nd grade all day, walking a 5K, and taking my evening art class, I am tired for all the right reasons: a day well spent, challenges met and new skills learned - if not mastered.

This new life, where I go to school and do hard work that doesn't pay much, is costing us about $50,000 a year. At least $50,000 a year. I was worth way more money sitting behind a desk that I am worth in a classroom.

But I was exhausted for all the wrong reasons when I was sitting at a desk. I used to end the day exhausted from office politics, worn out from an excessive commute and bored with the work that I was doing. My days lacked authenticity.

Authenticity may cost something - it may cost tens of thousands of dollars a year and a lot of exhausting effort. It is a price I am privliged to be able to pay.

Wait a Minute.....

The phone rang again at 6:15 AM for substitute teaching - elementary art classes this time. I went, and it was fun, and I learned a few things that will be helpful both for teaching and for the art class that I am taking this semester.

Now don't get me wrong. I am delighted to be a substitute teacher. But, I figured that if I said that I was available to work Monday - Friday, I might get called for 2 or 3 days a week. I never imagined that I would be called every day that school is open!

If I am not careful here, I am going to waste the gift of time off by working. And what that amounts to, for me, is avoiding the hard work of bringing my body in tune with my soul, being too busy to really live life from my heart as opposed to my head, and deliberately steering clear of thinking about my daughter's death.

So I've put myself on a do not call list for subbing tomorrow. I want to control my life and not have an automated call system control me. I'll work on Friday - something tells me they will need more subs on Friday than on Thursday anyway.

In a spirit of full disclosure, I am interviewing with Macy's tomorrow. It's just for a holiday job. Just for six weeks.

Oh, and old my job got in contact with me today. They need me to do some editing. Which is great.

So, I am trying to find a new balance between the quiet that I yearn for and the activity that I know I need. And I haven't quite found it yet.

I'll keep you posted.

A Day in 2nd Grade

To make a few things crystal clear: my feet hurt, my back hurts and substitute teaching is hard work. Period.

I got called this morning at dawn and found myself two hours later in front of a classoroom of eager second graders. This was the first day I was even eligible to be called, so I wasn't really expecting a call so soon. I enjoyed the day; it was tough, but it was satisfying and I felt like I made a difference in a way that I never felt from the distant seat of mid/upper nonprofit management. I have been hungry to get my hands dirty and really do something for a long time.

Within the first ten minutes I was fielding everything from " I have a tummy ache" to "Can I get a drink of water?" to "Can I share my new toy?" to "Here are the school supplies I was supposed to turn in...." Yikes! The class and I sort of made it up as we went along and I was asked to come back, so it can't have been all bad.

The confidence booster for me is that this whole thing is BRAND NEW. I have never been in front of a classroom before, and it is freeing to step out of my familiar world and try something radically new and different.

I look forward to getting better at teaching, but I will be just fine if they don't call me tomorrow - as long as they call me the next day!

I'll keep you posted.