Exhaustion and Authenticity

I was really tired driving home from school tonight. I almost missed my exit, practically caused several accidents, and felt mysef getting too close to the cement lane dividers. In the past (yes, it has happened before) that type of drive home has been the result of emotional exhaustion.

Today, I can assure you, my bad drive was the result of physical exhaustion. After teaching 2nd grade all day, walking a 5K, and taking my evening art class, I am tired for all the right reasons: a day well spent, challenges met and new skills learned - if not mastered.

This new life, where I go to school and do hard work that doesn't pay much, is costing us about $50,000 a year. At least $50,000 a year. I was worth way more money sitting behind a desk that I am worth in a classroom.

But I was exhausted for all the wrong reasons when I was sitting at a desk. I used to end the day exhausted from office politics, worn out from an excessive commute and bored with the work that I was doing. My days lacked authenticity.

Authenticity may cost something - it may cost tens of thousands of dollars a year and a lot of exhausting effort. It is a price I am privliged to be able to pay.

Lame Duck

Is Lame Duck Hood really necessary? I mean really. Is anyone particularly productive after they have given their notice? Does any employer really let them be?

This really, really, SUCKS.

I sit at my desk, and have maybe a couple of hours of productive work to do. And then I sit. And eat too much. And I fantasize about leaving and I try not to gossip too much because that would be so unbecoming.

To shake it up a bit, today I went wine shopping. I made something up so that I could come in late tomorrow.

Three weeks and counting. It is feeling like an interminably long time. My employer has to feel the same way about this. Can’t we just call it a day…wave a white flag… be done?

Giving Notice

I may have quit my job... but I still have to show up there. Sort of. Four weeks of notice is a very, very long time.

I am in that never never land between present and not present. I sit there. But my opinions no longer matter, I have little motivation to do more than is minimally required of me, and folks won't really even talk to me because I am an "outsider" now.

At least I have a fairly big office. And a computer. And I am reasonably comfortable with my own company. I have already cleaned out my desk, gone through my electronic files and improved my sodoku score.

Not sure what tomorrow brings, but I am not rushing in, and I am leaving early. What are they gonna do? Fire me?

Giddy

I am still giddy. Giddy about being unemployed. Giddy about being the entrepreneur of my own life. Giddy about being able to take a risk. People at work are jealous of me and tell me that I even look different.

I want to enjoy this feeling, because I imagine that it will be tested.

But I've got to tell you, the way I feel now, I may never again turn my life over to a company that decides where I need to be and how long I need to be there, whether or not I can eat at my desk, how much vacation I can take and how much time off I am allowed. I am creating a life where I am my own human resources department! Love it.

I will surely make short term and temporary commitments to employers (maybe I'll substitute teach? Or take a holiday job at a department store?). And who knows, I may even take on some freelance work. But making a career commitment of indefinite duration? I am going to think long and hard about that before I do it again.

One of the things that tied me to one company for a long time was the pension benefit. It seemed reckless to walk away both from a regular income (in the present) and a guaranteed income (in the future). But heck. My pension benefit was frozen this year so I am no longer impacting my future benefits by leaving my job, and I believe I'll find new ways to make money in the present. We'll see if that pans out.

Beyond all of that, I am giddy because my Dad just got released from the hospital. He has to go to inpatient rehab for awhile, but he is moving in the right direction. I managed to email my parents that I am leaving my steady paycheck (wimpy, I know), and got some words of support back. I am not sure there would have been quite as much support if they weren't so distracted!

Quitting My Job

Today I came in to a little bit of money. And the first thing I did was quit my job.

We are not talking a fortune here. Well under six figures. WELL under six figures.

And it is not like I just walked in to the office, all dramatic, and packed up my stuff in a flurry. No, I gave a month's notice. And then I will be GONE.

There is a piece of me that is crazy for doing this; I know that. I am under no ilusions about the economy - jobs are hard to come by and I am unlikely to ever again make the same amount of money that I was making in this last job. And if I harbored any illusions before I handed in that letter of resignation, NPR spent about 20 minutes of my drive home tonight making sure I understand just how bad the job market really is.

And, to be clear, I am walking away from more than a job - it's more like a 20 year career that I am walking away from.

I haven't told my mother yet. She is definitely not going to be happy.