Reminiscing

Molly’s high school has kept us on their mailing list.  So we get the alumnae magazine, invitations to events, and fund raising appeals. 

The alumnae magazine is full of stories about the students – some of whom I still know – and full of pictures.  The pictures of smiling students doing amazing things are a tangible reminder of Molly at her best.  When the magazine comes, I am tempted to recycle it immediately. 

But I can’t help but look through the magazine.  I really do love the school and many of the people there; our family enjoyed our years as part of the community.  The positive side of looking through it is re-living the memories; so far, that opportunity has outweighed the clamor of “what could have been” that hovers over every picture. 

Oh, how I wish Molly could have taken that trip, or played the part in that play.  Would Molly have worked well with the new field hockey coach?  The questions cannot be avoided.

The magazine also offers a marker – Molly’s class is graduated now.  In 5 or 10 years, I imagine that many will be married and starting their own families.  I can’t imagine what glancing through the magazine will feel like at that point. 

I look through the magazine – briefly - but I can’t imagine going to a school event.  I appreciate the invitations – but no thank you.  Molly died at school, and when we left the campus that night, I remember telling the police officers/detectives/social workers that I would never return.  I can’t imagine changing my mind about that.

And as for the fund raising appeals, they’ll get some money when I am dead.  And if I win the lottery I’ll build them a building.  Heck, I’ll build them three buildings.  But if I do that, I’ll probably want to go to the campus, won’t I?