Molly’s Birthday

Molly would be 19 today.  Maybe Molly is 19 today.   I don’t know.

What I do know is that her friends have remembered her on Facebook and that she is very much a part of not only my daily reality – but the reality of many young people who are growing into young adulthood.

I feel for those young people.  I hope that they are only holding happy memories.  I hope that they are not blaming themselves, or replaying conversations or worrying that in some way they contributed to or might have stopped Molly’s death.  We did a fair amount of work right after Molly died to help with that – but I hope we did enough.

  

Molly’s death was a runaway train.  There was no way that anyone was going to stop it.  She was stubborn and strong and smart and pursued by mental illness.  She was also a good actress.   So, Molly’s friends should only be celebrating their memories of badminton and plays…  field hockey and school parties….   sitting around the piano, worrying about grades and staying up late. 

As the years go by, I feel less and less connection to Molly’s birthday.  We loved celebrating it with her, and she had some wonderful birthday experiences (para sailing in Florida and taking a horse and buggy ride in Philadelphia come to mind….) but the celebrations were about HER.   

Oddly enough, it is the anniversary of her death that connects me to Molly now.   It is not a day I would ever celebrate.  But it is a day that reminds me (as if I need the reminder…)  both  how much Molly’s life means to me, and how challenged I am by her death to live every day to the fullest.  It is a day big enough for both of us.