Wish me luck... the same to you

I am living in a raw emotional place probably due in equal parts to giving up my anti depressants and living a holiday out by myself.

I am not sad. I am not even unhappy. But I am aware, poignantly aware, of all that I have lost and all that I will eventually lose. That awareness is tucked under the thinnest of veneers. Picture me at the (crowded) gym today walking away on the treadmill; I am watching a rerun of The View and fighting back tears as Whoopi Goldberg talks about going through the death of her mother. This is so not a typical picture; I don't generally live from my emotions.

I downloaded "Levon" by Elton John this afternoon and rocked out to that for awhile because Sir Elton and his partner have named their new son Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John and I just wanted to celebrate new life for awhile.

And then, for some reason, I couldn't get "What I Did For Love" (from A Chorus Line) out of my head. I must have listened to it 20 times (the things you can do when you have the house to yourself!)

The lyrics are perfect for New Year's Eve,,,,,"Kiss today goodbye and point me toward tomorrow; wish me luck, the same to you; won't regret, can't forget what I did for love." But beyond a New Year's expression of hope, for me today that song was a hymn. A hymn sung (badly and off key I am sure) with all whom I love and have ever loved: "Gone. Love is never gone. As we travel on, love's what we'll remember..."

The song may be one of the best expressions of loss and courage that I know. "Look, my eyes are dry.... the gift was ours to borrow." Shit. My eyes weren't dry as I sang through that line for the first 15 times. But by the 20th time, they were. Because it is true. We travel on. We love fiercely while we can. And we live with the knowledge that the gifts of life are ours - ours to borrow.

Happy New Year.